Who Am I? Who Are You?

It is always better to focus on

the people who are positive, kind

and loving. When people are negative

towards me, I try not to take it

personally. Where do these angry people

come from? What is THEIR problem?

However, I still look to see if I have done

something wrong. What can I learn about

myself? Should I have reacted or responded

differently?

Marco Waarts. Stocklholm, Sweden

I think I know who I am. I am kind, thoughtful, generous to a fault, well-traveled, well-educated, interested and interesting. Friends and family write to express their appreciation for who I am and how I make a difference in their lives.

And yet, there are people who do not know me who demand I pay attention to how they see me.

The more secure I am in my identity, the harder they work to convince me and people we may know that I am a shit.

Marco asks an interesting question: What is THEIR problem?

As a retired family therapist, I have been thinking about Marco’s question.

1. People, all people, enter adulthood with unanswered childhood questions. Perhaps in place of “questions”, I should write “trauma”. People, I find, act out their unresolved issues. They pick a person who reminds them of a parent, and express their anger that they could not speak as a five or six or seven year old. The person/parent receiving the attack is bewildered. “You’ve blown my words out of proportion!” for example. The person acting out may not know himself or herself why am I raising my voice.

2. I had a client who was rejected by her high school sorority. It was like putting a lid on a pot. She could only see her potential as limited. She didn’t push to find her challenge in nursing; she knew she would be rejected, so why try? Until she came to therapy. Then, she realized she was being taken advantage of because co-workers sensed her vulnerability.

3. Baggage. It all comes down to baggage. If you don’t let go of the negative messages you carry in that shoulder bag, you will allow other people to define you.

4. Too many people have a need to be “on top”. That is, I’m better than you. It’s a contest. It’s a comparison. You drive a Mercedes, well, I drove a Mercedes years ago, no big deal. Your kid is going to Harvard, well, my kid is straight.

5. THEIR problem is unresolved issues. Their problem is an ongoing message that says: they are inadequate. Their problem is the need to compete, and win. Their problem is the need to be bigger and better than everyone else. If they are successful, they can make you question who you are. They are on top. SAD.