Toxic Relationships

As a licensed family therapist and couples counselor, I learned a relationship turns toxic when it’s about winning. The need to be right is toxic; the need to have your own way every time is toxic; the need to have your children take sides is toxic.

 

There are markers in relationships: a child is born, a first home; change of job, mother-in-law has to move in with you…all challenges. How does the couple respond? As a team? Or, opposing sides with touches of bitterness.

 

Enter the blame game. Blame can be the foundation of a relationship turning toxic.

 

While all relationships go through ups and downs, a toxic relationship is unrelenting in its need to be unpleasant. There are no moments of joy because the disappointments are so intense.  Just looking at your life partner creates inner turmoil.

 

Why is this happening? Is a toxic relationship about two people who discover they are incompatible? Not necessarily. There are men and women who are charm itself when you meet. Slowly, very slowly, they lose the smile, they lose the charm, and what you get is their mother or their father. What you get is a person who has had an unfulfilled childhood. Parents have abandoned them emotionally. Never underestimate a history of childhood sexual abuse. We’re taught that girls are too often sexually abused. But, no one tells us how many boys are sexually abused and the ramifications. A man is not going to sit down with his life partner and talk about his history of sexual abuse. There it is, as they say, the elephant in the room.

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Researching toxic personality disorder, I have learned that a toxic person can be born off-kilter. That is, some part of the brain is not right. AND, there are some people who are born to fix. I can make him happy. She’s not as bad as my mother. Although you may see why he’s been divorced twice or why she can’t hold down a job, you believe you can add sunshine to every life you touch.

 

A toxic relationship is more than imperfect pairing. A toxic relationship is when one person wakes up every morning wanting to make the person next to them miserable. They plot to make mischief. They want their partner to feel less than.

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Beware denial. When you read below, the signs of a toxic relationship, ask yourself if you are open to see yourself and your relationship. If it fits, take action. Self-love, self-respect are good beginnings.

 

1. When you met, you may have been lonely and enjoyed the constant attention of the man or woman you decided to invest in. He started my days with an upbeat text. Put a smile on my face. She always sent me hearts to end my days. She always wished me sweet dreams. I felt special. And then…it’s the ‘and then’ that matters. And then it became obsessive. I thought about him all the time because he was there all the time in one way or another: phone, text, notes. I would wake up and she was leaning on her elbow staring at me. At first I felt wanted; now, I feel I’m dealing with an obsessive- personality disorder. Is the intensity distracting you from your work, family, obligations to community or hobbies?
    

2. I worked with a couple who had a mother-in-law problem – that is, on the surface. The husband said he would leave for work every morning and his wife would be on the phone with her mother. It rang of possessiveness. Think only of me. Invest only in me. Are you being told what you can or cannot do? Do you feel like a child being parented by your partner? Bottom of the barrel: Are you being accused of paying too much attention to the neighbor or your boss? Have you become a possession that has to be locked in a box?
    

3. The spouse or partner with the most power, usually the money-maker, may attempt to manipulate. Pay attention. Did you want to vacation in Florida and find yourself in London? Did you not want your daughter to go to a party with possible drugs, and here you are picking her up at 11:30 P.M? Did you pass up that strapless evening gown? Did you tell your brother you couldn’t go to the football game? Are you compromising your desires to please the person you share your life with? Makes me think of the song: Shake Your Money-Maker. Which interpretation applies?
    

4.  You’re in a relationship and life happens. The bad stuff is never their fault. It’s always something you should have done or did not do – in a timely fashion. Why am I always the guilty party, you ask? You’re always the guilty party because your partner has learned that there is power in making you feel less than.
    

5. Too often adults enter a relationship with a childhood history of parents belittling them. Their partner belittling them feels comfortable in a negative way. Comparing you to someone who makes a better chicken soup or comparing you to their brother-in-law who is a more successful businessman: They just bought a second home in the Berkshires! And the icing on the cake is when you’re told you’re oversensitive, over-reacting.
    

6. You’ve made a dinner for friends. Your partner shows up late and the food is no longer quite right. Sabotage. Competition. You can’t appear BIGGER than me. Or, you ask your wife to join you at the company Christmas party; you’re up for a promotion. She comes in wearing a dress that is provocative. Sabotage.
    

7. My sister-in-law entered her marriage to my brother insecure. She had to own him. She felt any attention or affection my brother offered me or my parents would take away from her. She needed 100% of him. She controlled his time. She controlled visitations. My brother wanted peace. He was born a quiet soul. So, to keep the peace he allowed himself to be controlled. She controlled his time with college friends; that is, unless she got along with their wives.
   
   We live in the 21st century. We all have cell phones. When your phone is being monitored, that’s controlling. There was a movie, years ago, that dealt with a spouse who could not trust. She monitored her husband’s phone. A character responds, “Once you monitor your spouse’s phone, the relationship is over. I couldn’t agree more.
    

8. I’m a listener. When people come to me to share their frustration with others, I often respond with my two favorite words: Take responsibility. People, generally speaking, can go on and on about how someone mistreated them, but, if you ask what role they played in the drama, they get angry or change the subject or walk away. Change your life and take responsibility. Before telling a story of how someone disappointed you, ask yourself: What part did I play?
    

9. Betrayal is a hard pill to swallow. In my first relationship, the man I had shared my life with signed my name to a building we owned jointly. He wanted to sell it and run off with the profit. He blamed me for almost sending him to jail. In my second relationship, I came home from a business trip to celebrate our anniversary and found his new lover had slept in our bed. Don’t let betrayal make you bitter; there are good men and women out there.

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All relationships have difficult patches. Job loss. Family loss. Loss of libido. Etc. We’re not talking about a temporary situation that may feel like it’s going on forever, like COVID-19. No, what we are trying to confront is a partner who wakes up every morning and wants to do harm to your good feelings, to your self-esteem, to how you see yourself in the world. Whatever suggestions I make below, you will both have to sign on to want to change. You cannot want for the two of you. It will take time and a lot of effort to make it work again.

 

But first, answer the following questions. Best to journal your answers. When the journey of discovery is over, you want to go back to the questions and your answers to be sure there has been change and growth. As I said, lots of work.

 

Q: When was the last time my partner made me feel good?

Q: When was the last time my partner complemented me?

Q: What have I learned about myself?

Q: Do I set boundaries? Do I know my boundaries? Will he or she accept my boundaries?

Q: Do I realize how many friends I have let go of? Is the toxic relationship to blame?

Q: Is there too much blame in our relationship?

Q: Do I take responsibility for my part in our toxic relationship? No blame intended; just awareness.

Q: Has my family been staying away? Why?

Q: Has my confidence been enhanced or diminished since I invested in this relationship?

Q: Have you felt manipulated?

 

Write your answers without editing your thoughts. Let the words flow. When you feel you’ve got it all out, put it down for a day or two. Go back and read your responses. If you feel there is enough love and respect in your relationship, here are some tips:

 

• Cheating. Sometimes a partner cheats because they cannot verbalize what is not working for them in the relationship. Cheating gets everyone’s attention. If there is no history of the two of you being able to sit down and talk things through, you may need a couples’ counselor. In some cultures, it is expected of a man to cheat. In my own practice, I have come across women who were born and raised in the USA. They were modern and americanized. They meet a man from a different culture who has ingested all that is American. They walk down the aisle, and the very next day, the bride is confronted by her father-in-law, so to speak. The Americanization has fallen away. We now are dealing with a macho-jerk.

 

• Serial cheating. I worked with one man who was a serial cheater. I sent him to Sexual Addictions Anonymous. I sent him to a sex therapist. It’s like an alcoholic. They have to find their own bottom in their own time, not when you want them to be aware. What I learned? If you discover you’ve invested in a partner who is a serial cheater, get out.

 

• Ask yourself: When did the toxicity begin? Was it a particular event? Or, are you dealing with a psychopath who only knows how to be half of a toxic relationship. Please read my essay on Toxic People Disorder. If there is bitterness, it seems best to work out the history and consequences with a therapist. Someone not personally involved needs to hear and react – guide seems like a good word. You both need guidance: A) to be sure you’re hearing each other, and B) you each take responsibility. If you really feel there is a lot of good stuff in your relationship and you want it to work, there is no better way to begin healing than by taking responsibility. Here’s something to think about. If you share what you believe is your role in the toxic relationship, does your partner mirror your forthrightness? If yes, you’re on the road to recovery; if not, stop, stop, stop. Find out what’s going on.

 

• When was the last time you both talked about your feelings? Again, this is not about blame. This is about finding ways to communicate, and solve the toxic problem. Sharing how you’re both feeling and how you have both been feeling for months or years may be enough to solve the toxic problem. Because, if you both understand you can safely share, be heard and understood, and respected, you have found the path. Look each other in the eye. Nod when you agree. Say, thank you for sharing – and mean it. Encourage. Encourage. Encourage each other to communicate your feelings.

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• I know, in your mind, you can articulate your problems with your partner. But, can you say those words and thoughts and feelings in a way that is constructive and will move the relationship forward? If your partner finds the words that illustrate his or her frustrations, will you listen? Will you respond respectfully? Will you pause and take a breath before you respond? Think about the impact on your relationship when you respond rather than react. One is constructive; the other is destructive. And we’re looking for more and more constructive.

 

• Can you be empathic? Can you say to yourself: I’ve been there, I  understand and feel his pain. She’s always listened with empathy, I can offer her the same? The real question is: Can a toxic relationship be healed without both of you feeling the empathic response? Dig deep. Be kind. Listen with empathy.

 

• I have a sign above my desk that reads: Do Not Blame, Shame or Vilify. It’s above my desk because I need constant reminding. I have sat across from one hundred couples who wanted to spend the entire therapeutic hour blaming. Some never changed the record; it was the same mantra every week. What was missing? Why the chronic blame? They didn’t feel listened to. They never got the response they needed from their partner. Acknowledgment. If you can’t let go of blame, ask yourself why? Take responsibility. Understand that you cannot move on without letting go of blame.

 

• Sit across from each other. Hold each other’s hands. Each looking in the other’s eyes. Do you want the same thing? Do you both sense the effort required to make your relationship work? As you look at his list, do you feel you can compromise? When you bring up compromise, is she listening?

 

• Conflict. I have found, most often, each partner yells or screams or uses insults just as their parents did as they were growing up. Parents teach through actions, not words. If the actions you witnessed growing up were loud and abusive, look closely. Can you change? Can you let go of what you feel is ingrained in your DNA? When your feel your temperature rising, can you shut up, take a deep breath and think before you shout? If you have children, they are watching and learning. Set a standard of love.

 

• Body Language. Once again I ask you to think of your mother and father. When you are angry and arguing with your partner, do you look like your mother? Father? Have you thought through how your body language is sending a message of understanding or frustration? Keep a mirror handy. When you feel ancient rage moving from your gut to your verbal reaction, look in the mirror. Do you see love? Before you even speak, your body language is sending a message. Do you care enough about the relationship to check your body language?

 

• I was at a retreat in Scotland, and two men were arguing. One said to the other, “Use ‘I’ statements.” It took my breath away. It was so simple. I had gone through a Master’s and Doctorate program in counseling and never heard a professor suggest using ‘I’ statements in an argument. What I learned? Rather than saying you’re mean, you’re unkind, you’re…(fill in the blank), why not use a constructive ‘I’ statement? “When you raise your voice, I feel …(fill in the blank).” Rather than accuse, explain how you’re feeling through ‘I’ statements. Change a negative to a positive.

 

• Can you apologize, and mean it? Can you see you’re doing something that is destructive to the relationship? Own it and apologize. In order for the relationship to be toxic you both have to be doing something that is destructive. Own it and apologize. If apology is not in your nature (as I have heard clients describe themselves), learn by practicing. Apologize with honesty. Express what you have learned. Express what you hope will not happen again. Don’t let the word sorry get stuck in your throat. If you want to detoxify, saying sorry is a brilliant beginning.

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• When to take a deep breath. If your partner is sharing, and you feel under attack, take a deep breath. Breathe in, hold for a few seconds, and breathe out with a sigh. Do it three or four times before you respond. You don’t want to be playing the offensive/defensive game. Listen. Hear what’s being said. Be empathic. Learn. Learn. Learn what your partner is trying to convey. Remember: you’re a team. You’re sharing a life. Life is better because of the relationship. Invest.

 

• When I started writing as a vocation, I joined writing groups to learn how to edit. Over and over again, the message was: Start with a positive. “I like how you developed your characters, but I think you have too many characters, the reader will be confused.” Thanks. That’s helpful. So, if you want to correct your partner, start with a positive. “Thank you for shopping on your way home, but…”

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• Expectations kill. I can’t count how many times I have shared that thought with clients. I expect you to… kills good feelings. I worked with a woman who kept saying to her devoted husband, “I want you to be more like my father.” They were very different men. The marriage ended. When you’re alone, open your journal and write at the top of a blank page: I expect. Just write. Don’t think. Let the words flow. Look at the list when you’re done. What do you see? Are your expectations practical? Will your expectations enhance your relationship? Let go of expectations that kill good feelings.

 

Solutions

• Find a therapist you both trust. Learn to communicate. Learn to listen.

• If you can’t speak calmly about what’s troubling you, make a list. Both of you make a list. Take time each week to read each other’s list. Sit across from each other. Learn to respond quietly, empathically, and lovingly.

• Take a break. Go on a retreat. Canyon Ranch is a great solution.

• Hold each other’s hand and sit quietly. Let the love flow.

• Be patient with the process. Allow yourself and your partner to make mistakes. Forgive.

• Mark the progress. Pat each other on the back when there is obvious growth. Don’t take the positives for granted. Be each other’s cheerleader.

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If both of you have tried, or just one of you has tried to mend your relationship, and there is still anger, distrust, unreasonable arguments, think about moving on. If you have indeed both been talking and listening, and you find you have different understanding of what a relationship should feel like, it may be time to move on. Toxic people lie to win; winning is most important. If you have sat across from each other, listened, and you realize it is more important for him to win than listen to your concerns/feelings, how do you feel about working on repairing your self-esteem? The more you love yourself, the harder it will be to stay in a toxic relationship. Check out Day 5.

 

What are the indicators telling you the relationship is beyond repair?

• Whatever you say turns into an argument. My favorite: When your partner uses what you said innocently the day before is now being used as ammunition against you. You’ve noted there are precious few moments of peace and love.

 

• Shutting down. There is such a long history of anger and resentment, the couple shuts down. Yes, you’re no longer fighting, but resentment continues to grow and you feel the pain in your chest.

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• You choose not to share good news because you know you’ll be shot down.

 

• As a couple’s counselor, I watched as some couples came in and only one partner wanted to do the work. Takes two to tango.

 

• You have an unusually long work day and you feel drained. You’re on a business trip and the plane was delayed for hours; you feel drained. All reasonable. But, if you feel drained at home because your partner’s energy is chronically negative, ask yourself what it would be like to be free.

 

• Blind. One partner can see the problem or problems, the other insists you’re being negative. As hard as you try, you cannot agree on what is tearing the relationship apart.

 

• Make a list of your fears. Fear of being alone. Fear of financial viability. Fear of the children’s reaction. Fear of being judged; the world thinks you’re in the perfect relationship. Journal the positives of your relationship; journal the negatives. Look at what you’ve written. If a friend came to you with the same lists, what would your advice be?

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• I’m thinking of the 1989 movie, Weekend at Bernie’s. The boss is dead and two of his employees pretend he is still alive so they are not accused of murdering him. So, I’m asking you to ask yourself: are pretending the relationship is still alive because you don’t want to deal with the fallout of separating?

 

• If you hear your partner talk about you and you don’t recognize the person he’s referring to, listen to what he’s saying and take it seriously. Talk about talk: Eric Berne in his book “Games People Play” tells us we should be talking to each other Adult to Adult. If your partner puts himself in the Parent role and talks to you like the Child, it’s time to take your options seriously.

 

• From my own relationships I have learned there is no future without trust. Do you trust your partner will do what’s best for you and the relationship? Do you trust the money you’re saving for retirement is where it’s supposed to be? Do you trust him with your children? Do you trust she is telling the truth to your parents?

 

• Avoidance. You’ve marked how unwilling you are to return home to the battlefield. You take more time than necessary to shop. You ask friends to meet you for a drink after work, and you don’t drink. Any activity is better than being at home.

 

• I remember a plaque I saw online. It made me laugh. Couples Who Laugh Together, Stay Together. Laughter used to be the cement that kept the relationship fresh. It was his sense of humor that attracted you in the first place. Now, you look at her and can’t remember the last time you laughed together. There is too much hurt to think of laughter.

 

• The future. When you picture your future, do you see the two of you hand in hand? How much of the present are you willing to sacrifice because it is easier to do nothing than take responsibility and move on? Again, journal what you future together will look and feel like. Do you like the picture your response is describing?

 

• Resentment. What I have learned, or should I say what my clients have taught me: If resentments are not resolved, they build on each other. How much resentment can you live with?

 

• You came into the relationship sweet and optimistic. After months or years of enduring revenge and competition, you find yourself more like your partner. You’re thinking of revenge. You don’t recognize your responses. This isn’t me. Be careful.

 

• Moira Hutchison, a teacher on the Insight Timer app, does a great course on authenticity. She asks us to identify our authentic self, feed it and hold on to it. A supportive relationship will help you recognize the beauty of you. If you find yourself being painted as someone you are not, it’s time to reevaluate your emotional investment.

 

• Values. I have a cousin who has a non-relationship with her mother. She says her mother evaluates people based on how rich they are. Good thought. Do you values overlap? Do you both identify the same things as important? Does he want to buy a Mercedes? Do you want to save for your first trip to Europe? Does she want a new gown even though there are two unworn gowns in her closet? Different values tear the good feelings apart.

 

In conclusion, I ask again: Journal. Journal the pluses and minuses. Study your responses. Take action. Find a therapist if you feel there is life in your relationship. Start the journey out if the good is gone.

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When you have endured a toxic relationship, it can be difficult to find your center once again. Who are you? Do you know who you are? So many people graduate from a toxic relationship having been defined by their partner – for years. Be kind with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. If you find yourself ruminating about how you could have, should have, been different, shut down the negative thoughts. Be kind to yourself. Yes, take responsibility, but in a positive way. Focus on boundaries. Make it clear to yourself what you will and will not accept in your next relationship. Journal. Journal your feelings. Listen to the voice inside you. If it’s a blaming voice, do your best to change it to a love voice. In my own case, I bought love pillows; that is, pillows that say LOVE. I have one in every room. I look at the pillows and I think love. Love myself. Love the people who have been unkind to me. Thinking of your past with anger feeds the negative. And negative keeps you up at night and angry during the day. Love yourself. Think love.

 

Some people take long, hot baths as a way to love oneself. I enjoy my monthly massages. Long walks in a park helps. But, free of a toxic relationship requires hard work. Find the books that talk to your circumstances. I found Beyond Victim Consciousness by Lynne Forrest helpful. I read and reread her words. I underlined. I journaled my thoughts and feelings. I found Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie to be life altering. A psychopath is a psychopath; you cannot change them. You can change yourself. Find a therapist if you want the journey to go faster.

 

• Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Indulge yourself. You’re deserving.

 

• Note the negative message repeating in your head. Write them in your journal. The more aware you are the easier it is to let them go. Yes, let them go. Focus on the meaningful you are to them, create a folder. Put all these loving messages into the folder. When you are feeling low or vulnerable, open the folder and reread the positive messages. Watch how your attitude changes/

 

• Feelings. Be at peace with your feelings. Be grateful you have feelings. Hear what your feelings are trying to teach you. Don’t judge. Loving yourself means accepting your feelings just as they are. As you climb out of your history of being in a toxic relationship, the feelings will turn positive. Give yourself a hug. Yes, wrap your arms around yourself and feel the hug.

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• You’re getting smarter every day. Every day you invest in being healthy and happy means you are one day closer to peace and happiness. Reach out to others who are trying to start their journey of recovery.  Teach what you have learned. It helps others and also fortifies what you have learned.

 

• Appreciate who you are and what you offer. Journal; make a list of your qualities. Now is not the time to be humble.

 

• Give yourself permission to put yourself first. Watch your energy levels. Don’t say yes when your energy is spent for the day
   

• I appear to be reactive by nature. Probably learned. I find if I love myself, be quiet for programmed periods each and every day, I am better at responding. Learn the difference between reacting and responding. Ask yourself: When do I react? When do I respond? Reacting brings the conversation down. Responding gives the situation a chance to be positive.
   

• Move. Stretch. Watch how your body says thank you.
   

• Compliments. Do you accept compliments? Do you compliment yourself? Perhaps, before you go to bed, give yourself a few minutes to review your day. Pat yourself on the back for your star moments. This is self-love.
   

• Practice mindfulness. That is, be in the moment. Don’t be distracted by the past or the future. Love the moment, now.
   

• Permission. Give yourself permission to celebrate the moments you are proud of. Be your own best cheerleader. Do not wait for others to say, Well done.
   

None of the above will happen overnight. Be kind, be patient. Mark your growth one day at a time. If you falter, forgive. Moira Hutchison, on the Insight Timer app, offers a wonderful course on Forgiveness. Forgiving yourself and others. I’ve listened to the course 16 times.

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Evaluate. If you are in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, and feel abused, emotionally or physically, if you feel the pain of constant competition where you are painted as the loser and the cause of pain, this quiz will help you determine if you are in a toxic relationship. If you are saying ‘yes’ to him/her and ‘no’ to your well-being, you may be investing in a toxic relationship.

 

If the good moments have faded into history and the bad moments prevail every day, take this quiz and learn who you are at this moment. You matter. Does the quiz confirm that? Journal your responses.

 

• During a heated argument, does your partner hear your point-of-view?

• After a heated argument, does your partner remain angry because he/she didn’t win?

• The Blame Game. Are you always at fault?

• Do you feel you’re living with two different people? The nice guy. The angry guy. The woman who takes over paying the bills versus the woman who demeans.

• Is your partner able to say ‘well done’ when you have accomplished something special?

• Expectations. Does your partner expect you to know what he/she wants? Are you punished for not being a mind reader?

• Trust. There is no relationship without trust. Do you trust your partner speaks the truth? Do you find yourself questioning what he/she claims to be the absolute truth?

• Do you find yourself questioning your partner’s interest in following through with what he/she has promised to do?

• Do you feel tense when he/she is about to walk through the door after a workday? I had a client who stated she and her brother would run to their room and close the door when they heard the garage door open – knowing their father had returned. Sound familiar?

• If you’re in couple’s counseling, do you find he/she is genuinely participating? There were times in my practice when a husband or wife would come in and attempt to demean their spouse in a professional space. Their frustrations, they seemed to think, had more power when expressed in a doctor’s office. Can you relate?

• Does your partner check your iPhone? There was a line in a movie spoken by one friend to another: When your partner checks your phone, the relationship is over. Do you agree?

• In public, do you feel the competition? Are you made to feel less than? Must he/she always be the star? Are you punished if friends or family pay more attention to you?

 

Bottom line: Are you made to feel special?

 

Some people enter a relationship thinking it’s a lifelong commitment. Sounds good. But, if you end up sharing your life with a toxic personality, it can lead to health issues like high blood pressure. If you think you can fix a toxic personality, life has taught me that every effort sinks the relationship even further. It sounds counter-intuitive. It’s not. Step back. Make a list of what you want from any relationship. Check off how many pluses and how many minuses. Are there enough pluses for you to continue to invest?