How I Learned to Recognize and Survive a Toxic Neighbor
An Essay by Dr. Irwin Jay Asher
April, 2023
Research and statistics tell us 15% to 19% of the population is psychopathic. That’s a lot of psychopaths.
What is a psychopath? A psychopath is a person who eyeballs a star, a popular neighbor or coworker or family member. They ingratiate themselves; good listeners, charming, sexy, thoughtful. The problem? They listen well because they want ammunition against you when they turn. And when they turn from charming to psychopathic, beware. Their hate has no bottom. They’re inventive when it comes to being vindictive. They’re charming because it suits their endgame: to destroy you emotionally and physically. If the psychopath is a woman, she may push her breasts into your shoulder. She may wear painted on slacks if she’s got a great ass. He will push his crotch in your face. He will smile and make you feel you are the center of his universe. Thoughtful. As the Greeks would say, beware of unexpected gifts. Your birthday is remembered. A fuss is made over your job promotion.
All this effort is made to draw you in. Once you’re in their glow, it’s all downhill. They talk negatively about you to anyone and everyone who will listen. They will plot to destroy your good standing. Emotional and physical destruction is their endgame. Why, you ask?
First, they are born cross-wired. There is something wrong with their actions and reactions from the get-go.
Second, they are raised in a family that is dysfunctional. They are made to feel inferior, not worthy of love.
Third, life has taught them that people are against them. They think of themselves as fighting to survive.
Fourth, they invest in what is called Flying Monkeys. If you recall from the movie, “The Wizard of Oz,” the Wicked Witch of the West sends off Flying Monkeys to carry out her dastardly deeds.
Fifth, if you decide to push back against the nastiness coming straight at you, the situation will deteriorate.
*
Here is my personal story.
Eleven years ago, I fell onto a psychopath’s path, and like a first-grader, I became a student of the unknown. Let’s call the psychopath, Frank. Frank was about 33 years old, handsome, and fit. He was the ideal Black man; tall, shoulders back, well-spoken, friendly. He worked out at the local gym; when we were there at the same hour, he always said hello. He took a minute to catch up with what was going on in my life.
I became his prey without any knowledge or understanding of toxic people. At the time, as this drama began, I was about seventy-one. In 2023, I celebrated my 84th birthday. This essay is my celebration/liberation from psychopaths; toxic personality naiveté.
*
Let me begin by sharing the basics of what I did not know and came to learn – the hard way. A narcissist will run you over and scold you for being in their way. “You damaged my car” is what you’ll hear, not “Are you okay?” A sociopath will run you over; scold you for being in their way, and smirk. The smirk represents the joy they feel because they can see the turmoil they created. Sociopaths are angry with the world and want to settle scores — with anyone. A psychopath will study your life, figure out the best time to run you over and back up to feel assured they have done the most damage.
Our desire to be a good neighbor or a supportive co-worker or loving family member can be a trap. We may see the evil, but talk ourselves out of making a meaningful, self-love decision. We fight letting go of a person who we have invested in and has been so good in the past.
‘But Frank was so nice when he let my delivery guy in.’ ‘Everyone loves Frank, it must be me.’ ‘He’s giving so much of his free time to the community, I’m being over-sensitive.’ We talk ourselves out of the facts before us.
*
Five years of graduate school, a Master’s and Doctorate in Family Therapy, and I never once heard the word sociopath, or psychopath or Toxic Personality Disorder. However, I must admit, I heard the word narcissist. Not because a professor thought it was important to understand how a narcissist should be treated when he or she came into therapy as a client; no, I learned about narcissism from a fellow student who had a narcissistic sister. We talked. I listened and thought I had learned.
After graduating from the University of Houston in 1997, I moved to Fort Lauderdale and opened my own office. I sold myself, through the Yellow Pages, as a family/couples counselor. It worked. I was older, people assumed I was wise and I took a good picture. Couples called. I was good, real good. Parents I worked with sent in their adult children. I applied to teach at Barry University and ended up teaching DIVERSITY IN THE WORKPLACE for ten years.
I loved it. I loved the interaction with the adult students. I was part of the ACE program: Adult Continuing Education. These students came in tired after a long day at work. You had to be dynamic to keep them awake. I had worked twenty-five years in the fashion industry in New York City presenting my designs to buyers; I knew how to be entertaining.
To be successful today, in any business enterprise, you have to understand people. That’s what I taught: How to understand diverse people. But, I still had no awareness of sociopaths, psychopaths or narcissists. I remained an innocent.
Years later, as I chose to close my therapy practice, I turned to writing. I spent more time at home and I had more time to walk, talk and exercise. Frank worked from home, a computer genius. He was always there. He always seemed to be out and about. If anyone had told me at that time that his comings and goings were deliberate, calculated and emotionally destructive, I would not have understood. He worked to improve the property, and, as I said, always ready to listen and make all of us who live in the condo feel the center of his universe. At monthly board meetings, he always found his way to my side. I felt comfortable in his presence. I trusted him; my folly.
A year later, Frank ran to be president of the board. He won. A door to power opened and a narcissist/toxic/psychopathic man stepped out. Hold on to your ego, Frank Wants You.
He changed, so to speak. In truth, the community was becoming aware of his dark nature; slowly. The smile remained — if you agreed with his decisions regarding the condominium complex, and did not push back. Contrary opinions of condo owners demanded retribution. Your phone calls might not be answered. Serious infractions, like publically opposing him, or not genuflecting with sincerity would bring out the vengeful psychopath. I opposed some of his plans, I refused to genuflect, I refused to bow to his manufactured power. My punishment? He and his wife would knock on my front door in the middle of the night. Funny, or not so funny, I could tell the male knock from the female knock. The female knock came at about 10 PM; the male knock came at 1 AM. I called the police once, twice, three times. They insisted I get a camera to monitor my front door. I got a camera and the knocking stopped.
Then they discovered my car. My back bumper was scratched to the metal. My hubcaps disappeared. Finally, my tire was slashed. I called the police. Frank got up from his computer and paraded his ass before the policeman. Shoulders back, he took pride in creating upsetment for me. When the policeman left, Frank came up to me and asked what I thought of him. I said ‘You’re trash!’ Well, Frank went from door to door telling people that this White doctor of psychology told him, a Black man, that he is trash. No back story offered. That’s a psychopath.
How did these psychopathic endeavors affect me? I had done so much good in my life, I had made a difference. I thought my karma would bring me joy, peace and particularly, quiet. Joy I managed to hold on to; many good people in my life express their appreciation. But no peace and no quiet. I wondered, Why me? The books I list below answered my question. The psychopath wants to tear down the biggest prize. And I was the biggest prize. I was a doctor. My home is decorated beautifully. I am well spoken. I have traveled the world. I have been successful with each challenge I’ve undertaken. And I undertook my share of challenges. I still do. But, my ego was fragile. And it was that fragility Frank picked up on when he was listening intimately to my life history. Remember, a psychopath listens to gather ammunition.
*
I had to teach myself to love myself and not allow others to define me. I had to learn to not take my achievements for granted. I needed to get smart quick to survive. My research led me to the following resources:
Healing from Hidden Abuse, by Shannon Thomas, was my introduction to the topic and the beginning of my recovery. I no longer wanted to be a victim; I wanted to be a survivor who could help others understand that it’s not about them — in spite of the toxic person working overtime to prove you’re not a worthy person.
Psychopath Free, by Jackson MacKenzie, gave me the tools to let go. The book taught me to define myself, not to give others my power.
Beyond Victim Consciousness, by Lynne Forrest, allowed me to move on. Take the knowledge I had acquired and feel stronger.
Choose Growth by Scott Barry Kaufman and Jordyn Feingold, shed light on the journey ahead.
And, on the Insight Timer app: Kenneth Soares, “Setting Healthy Boundaries,” gave me permission to say to others, “Sorry, that’s my boundary.” Moira Hutchison, in her course on “Forgiveness,” taught me the power of forgiveness. If you forgive, you stop carrying the weight of what’s happened in the past and live happily in the present.
I’d like to add a few quotes that made me think:
From Healing From Hidden Abuse
“Gaslighting” is when the abusive person attempts to change the facts and make you look bad in your own eyes.
“Smear campaign” is used by the abusive person to turn other people, or groups of people, against a victim. Imagine the energy Frank invested. He could have built the Brooklyn Bridge instead.
“Love Bombing” uses calculated positive attention in order to manipulate the victim’s emotions. I learned Frank has an exaggerated smile. It’s a smirk turned into a Bela Lugosi smile. Once you’ve experienced it, you can spot the next smirk/smile easily. Keeps you out of future trouble.
“Hoovering” is when the toxic person tries to get the victim to re-engage. One hateful act of revenge is never enough. Frank plotted to get me engaged. It’s surprising his marriage held up. It held up because his wife joined him in plotting and execution. Once, he waited hours in the parking lot for me to return home. He stood with his dog in my path. There was just enough room to pass. I chose to pass. He went from door-to-door telling whoever would listen that I tried to run him over. Remember, the toxic person is having great fun.
*
Recovery is hard work. I read and reread. I listened to Kenneth and Moira over and over. The message sank in. There are toxic people out there who do harm and never look back. That’s the narcissist bit; they just don’t care who they hurt. The punishment they meter out is never too great, never enough. They do not have the ability to see the harm they do. It’s all about retribution.
*
Letting go became part of my new vocabulary. Let go of toxic people. Let go of people who want to use and abuse you. Trust your gut. If your gut says, this relationship is not healthy, let go. In the beginning, I asked myself what I had done wrong. I accepted Frank’s point-of-view. I wanted to win back our friendship. Doubting myself was part of Frank’s game. Vulnerability. I saw myself as likeable. Why doesn’t Frank like me? I didn’t realize I wanted the world to like me. That took courage to face and alter. Love thyself became my mantra. I am love filled my journal. Write in your journal. Change your life and journal.
I also learned not to mirror a toxic personality. Don’t fight back with their weapons. You may find yourself too comfortable in a role that is not your true personality. Learn. Learn who you are and who they are. Love yourself and help yourself to not fall into a psychopath’s trap ever again. If you do, forgive; forgive quickly and gently. Let go. I let go of Frank and survived. Invest in people who feed your soul. Use every encounter with a toxic personality as a learning experience. Learn who you do not want to invest in. Learn who you do want to invest in. Count your blessings every day for the family and friends who understand and appreciate you. If people send you notes of gratitude for your kindness, your specialness, keep them in a folder. Read them when you need to buck yourself up.
There is no need to go on this journey of recovery alone. Find a group, or start a group. Find a therapist. I did.