Anger

Why anger?

What does it do for us?

Anger is all about emotion. When the brain, in child mode, wants to fight back, raw emotion takes over and we “bite.” We want to hurt. We want to even the score. We want to win.

Win? Now there’s an interesting concept. Winners and losers. When we feel someone has gotten the best of us, we want to “hit” back and move from the loser position back to winner.

“Bite” and “hit” become weapons. We want to injure as we have been put down.

Expectations come into this also. We have expectations. We expect people to be respectful. We expect people to act the way we would act. We become disappointed. I have seen people rage because someone did not act the way they would have in a particular situation. What ever happened to respecting people’s differences?

What I have found helps when I am in anger mode is

1) take a deep breath

2) do not write anything (anything you write in anger mode is something you will regret for years)

3) I think about the button it has pressed in me (what does the present-moment anger have to do with some unresolved issue in my past?

4) Walk: try to put space between what just happened and my response

5) talk to a trusted friend and get an objective second opinion.

As a family and couples therapist, I found individuals holding on to hurt for decades. Every meditative tape will tell you the “holding on” damages your wellbeing.

So why don’t we let go? I believe we are taught, by example, how to hold on to anger. But, regrettably, we are not often taught how to let go … Forgive.

Now there’s an interesting concept: Forgiveness.

Why is it so difficult to forgive? Or am I making a generalization?